I'm ashamed to admit it

I had to take a few days to get some things right in my head before I could come back here & share them with you.

I've shared before that Mr. Potts & I have made the decision not to have children.

I've also shared how much of an impact we have on my sweet niece and nephew. In fact, we're more parental figures to them than their own parents. We're the only people they see in a solid, stable, loving relationship.

We already know that we'll buy them their first cars.

We're already setting up accounts to help them pay for college. I also explain to my niece that Mr. Potts and I go on so many fun trips and do fun things with her because we went to college and did well in school and worked really hard.

I know that doesn't have everything to do with it, but when explaining things to an almost 6 year old, sometimes you go the easy route that will have an impact.

Part of our reasoning is that if we have children we won't be able to influence as much in my niece and nephew's lives & do as much for them.

Another part of our reasoning is selfish. We like to travel. We like to spend our money on nice things & on nice gifts for other people.

I could even say that the world absolutely terrifies me to raise children in nowadays.

Either way, we've made our choice and are happy with it.

Although, sometimes that choice stings.

Like when someone told me that we were going to miss out because we aren't. A comment I've often thought about because she doesn't know how much more we do because those little ones don't have good parents.

Sometimes it stings like this Sunday when one of my very best girlfriends shared with me that she was pregnant. And I went into a short moment of shock before I congratulated her & her husband.

I'm so happy for them because I know they want to be parents & will be wonderful.

But I knew at that point our friendship would change. The change had already begun. That evening the other women there (we were watching LOST) started talking babies & feeding & diapers & wipes & things they would need, while I stood by not adding to it because I don't know. And if I tried to, it was dismissed because I've never been in that situation.

I had hoped things wouldn't change for a few more years. I had hoped they would have a baby in the next 2 or so.

On the way home that night, I broke down in tears.

We've had most of our friends begin to have babies. We've lost touch with some who have them because every time we invite them to something they can't make it.

Or when we plan to go over to their house & hang out, it gets canceled.

Or they'd rather do things with other couples who have kids that their kids can play with.

And I get it. I truly do.

But it still makes me sad.

And I know that I was selfish on Sunday night to feel that way and I was so so embarassed. But I couldn't help how I felt.

So I needed a few days to pull all this together in my head.

And realize that she is one I won't lose. Because we are such wonderful friends. And while we may not have children, that doesn't mean I don't love them. I'll hang out with her & take walks & bring over breakfast & love her baby.

Things will change, but I won't lose her.

I'll just have one more piece of her & her husband to love.

Seeing that my heart is so full of love, I doubt this will be a problem.

Happy Thursday, y'all!!! Aren't you glad Friday is almost here?