Monday, March 15, 2010

I'm on FIRE!

You wouldn't know it, but I have a special gift. Very special indeed.

A gift that can take your breath away, make you gasp in surprise while at the same time make you thankful you don't have this particular gift.

You see, I make really awkward jokes. The kind that make people stop and stare. The kind that make people wonder just where this train wreck will end.

The kind where Mr. Potts stares at me in disbelief, just wondering when I'll pick up on the fact that I've completely swallowed my foot.

Let's back up, shall we. Because to appreciate this wonderful gift, you truly need a good example.

I went to a wedding shower last weekend. The kind where it is mostly family and a few friends. I knew all of the local girls there. The only one I hadn't met before was the maid of honor. She seemed nice enough at the shower.

That evening, Mr. Potts and I went to the bride to be's house to hang out with our friends. We enjoyed talking to the maid of honor. She seemed nice & likes animals (big plus in our book).

Towards the end of the night, I asked the maid of honor about her hands (they're red, no reason why, just red like they're inflamed) & this train jumped right off the proverbial tracks.

Now, my question was in no way meant to be rude or malicious, I just was concerned - so the question went like this. "Maid of Honor, your hands are red, are you ok? Did you maybe have an allergic reaction to something? I've got some Benadryl if you need it."

Now granted, I might have avoided the question during the shower, but I think with the drinking she had done (which was A LOT) they may have been more red & much more noticeable.

My concern didn't go over so well, to say the least.

She promptly sat on her hands & yelled about how her hands have always been like that & that we must think her a freak. Both Mr. Potts & I reassured her that wasn't the case, that we thought she was great.

She continued to freak out about her hands - increasing in intensity as we tried to reassure her.

This is when my special talent was revealed as I tried to make an awkward situation better by making really awkward jokes.


I told her that if it was me, I'd tell people my hands were "on fire" (imagine the fire being said in a really exaggerated way)- yeah, I know, not really sure where that one came from... Let's just say it didn't go over so well?

Did I stop?

Surely you know the answer to that question.

Of course not. Why stop when you've just made things awkward, but are convinced that you can make it better by telling more jokes?

And so I continued.

With, "I'd tell people I'm so hot I'll burn them," together with my licking my finger, touching my arm & making a sizzling sound.

Are you cringing yet?

I am, just remembering it.

Then it continued with the fire gun hands where I would "shoot" fire from my hands as I took aim all around the room.

I think Mr. Potts almost walked away when I started juggling the "fire" balls in my hands.

All in the attempt to make things better.


Needless to say, we now have a key phrase.


As in, when Mr. Potts is watching me at my best, he'll mention how he thought he heard THUNDER.

Hope it never happens when it is raining outside. I may not get that hint. Who knows what could happen the next time!

Anyone else out there with this special talent?


Anonymous said...

In my head, I imagined you saying it like "fieee-yahhh" in an exaggerated way.

One of my cringe-worthy moments happened at the bus stop in middle school. This girl that lived up the road from me, whom I am convinced was anorexic, who was very snotty, and I really disliked her, asked me how I liked my new teacher. My old teacher had been sick and took a leave, so new teacher was subbing for an extended period of time. I had not had positive experiences with new teacher and felt him incredibly difficult to get along with, he assigned homework that was beyond our comprehension, and was super-strict in class, all things your typical 13 year old utterly abhors.

So I proceeded to tell snotty skinny neighbor girl that I did not like new teacher and I went into much detail. Then she said, oh he's my mom's best friend. You could hear crickets chirping. Srsly.

But MOH's reaction sounds a little exaggerated, yelling and presuming you think she's a freak? Wowzas.

Happy Monday, lady!! xoxox

Dee Stephens said...

that is funny! I don't have that particular talent BUT....I have the talent of voicing my opinion. Remember my opinion on baby showers?? Mentioned it in front of a few high schools friends at our Ark. wedding reception and Brad got mortified.
He said 'you don't know how people feel and you might offend them!!'
Maybe so.. but you know what?? Some people tell EVERYONE they know about their political opinions or racial opinons(this happened last night when a bus driver at the airport told me they thought Tiger was getting so much flack b/c he was black.)
SOOO.. why can't I have my freedom of speech??
Talent indeed :)

Lil' Woman said...

I'm right along with brown eyed girl...I was imagining it in my head I thought of you saying it like that and being really overly animated when 'shooting fire' :)

KatiePerk said...

Hahaha. I wish I had seen this go down.I love a code word!!

Bumpkin on a Swing said...

And you had how much to drink Mrs. Potts?

Trish said...

OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!!!! That is f-ing HILARIOUS!!! You told that story back so perfectly. I can just hear you saying "FIIIYYAAAHHHH" now! HAHAHAH So awesome. I am not as talented as you in the awk-joke telling department. You need to tell us more stories!

Susannah said...

Yay for code words! :D

So, what the what was wrong with her hands???

Tara Gibson said...

omg i was imgagining this in my head too! so funny

MCW said...


Ashley @ KiwisandCocktails said...

I can almost see it! YOu gave such a great visual! haha. I see you saying FIRE with jazz hands! :)
I do things like this all the time. I like the idea of Mr. Potts using the key phrase. I think I need to come up with something like that too! I had quite a few of those moments yesterday...trying to make this friend of a friend feel better about his fiance just leaving him. got bad. REally bad. The whole table was just telling me to stop.

*kimmie* said...

Hahaha... this is totally me. But I'm the one who can't filter my volume level either. So although I may be saying something totally inappropriate only to Zach, the rest of the world usually hears me as well. Nine times out of ten, what I say is MUCH worse out of content so I'd be better off just shouting the entire convo! =) Glad you can laugh about it!

Brittany Ann said...

Oh my gosh! This makes me love you all the more!

I can be like this, too!

I bet this little feature is going to make our girls weekend in a June even more hysterical!

Bring it on, Hot Hands!

Miss M! said...

Ah, you poor thing! In your defense, it all could have been avoided if she hadn't overreacted. Totally not your fault.

Lucy Marie said...

Ha!! I love it. So funny and awkward all at the same time.

Amber said...

Oh my gosh, I'm picturing you doing the fireball point and I can't stop giggling. This is too funny, even if she didn't think so! I think she definitely overreacted.

In this wonderful life... said...


Jenny DB said...

mwahahaha so thunder is basically code for "you're fired"

tootie said...

Oh my goodness...this is too funny! Don't worry - I say my fair share of awkward things, too!